Monday, January 12, 2009

Life Is Like A Magnifying Glass! What You Focus On Gets Bigger!

In mid December, after speaking with my divorce attorney, I was challenged to decide whether to pursue legal matters against my ex-husband. I knew I was going to have to act by mid to late January but I wanted to be sure the decisions I made were for the correct reason. Through all I have experienced in life, I know the importance of motives.

I was raised by a very goal driven father. In many regards he believed in the concept "the ends justify the means". My life experiences have taught me completely the opposite. The means matter. The means are the steps we take based on our motives. If our motives are not understood and grounded in honesty, our actions will lead us on a journey that is unhealthy and /or distructive.

Arthur Ashe, a wonderful tennis star and role model said toward the end of his life, "the only thing one takes with them when they die is their integrity. It is truly all that ultimately matters". To be a person of integrity, motives have to begin the decision making process. Therefore, I had to ask myself, why should I pursue two legal actions against my ex-husband?

One of the legal actions is for contempt of court. On February 8, 2007, a Judge in domestic and Juvenile Court ordered a two year "no contact" restraining order against SDK. Immediately after this date, SDK began calling me. He sent me email message and made phone calls. They were not threatening. He called me while I was in the hospital and even showed up in a parking lot where I was waiting to meet a friend for work. He wanted to borrow my car. Technically, all of these actions were in contempt of the order but he made no attempt to harm me and made no threats. I was very ill in 2007 and did not pursue a contempt complaint at that time. Since then we have had strange things happen but nothing that made me feel unsafe.

The second legal matter is to pursue a judgement for money owed and property taken. It will cost me a few thousand to retain my attorney to file a suit and probably years of legal battles. SDK is in default with the IRS, VEC, two state Tax Administration and the Dept of Education. He has leins and garnises by all thus rarely works. To get a judgement would be the easy part even though it would take years in court. Once I had the judgement, I would have to stand in line to get any money.

Due to being so ill in 2007, I really did not deal emotionally with the ending of my marriage until 2008. I went through periods of anger, sadness, and an ache which seemed to eminate from my soul. I kept remembering events good and bad. Much of the anger was at myself. Why did I stay in a marriage that was so horrible. I had to come to terms with my bad choices and my failure to respond to all the red flags. I allowed him to to abuse me on all fronts. I was your classic abused wife, afraid with no self-esteem. I had given up on life and somehow did not feel I deserved any better. He had such a way of always blaming his failings on me. If he was unfaithful it was because I was not satisfying him. If he lied it was because I was not a good enough wife. I know it sounds crazy now, but a part of me believed him and thought was to blame.

My recovery in 2008 to present has been on all fronts. I have come to terms with that horrible marriage. I am working to forgive myself for all the very bad choices I made. Many of them were rooted in the character defect of fear, fear of being alone. I was willing to accept living in hell rather than being alone.

I wanted to make sure any decision I made to pursue legal action was not out of some kind of unresolved negative emotion. I did a great deal of soul searching and this past weekend had a moment of clarity. In that moment, I pictured myself driving in my car with the wind in my hair singing Tom Petty's "Free Falling" with SDK faintly in my rearview mirror. As I drove, he was getting smaller and smaller. I am free, free falling. I suddenly had a great sense of Peace and Joy. As they say in AA, if you are going through hell, keep going. Well, I did. I came out the other side and the sun is shining warmth on my face. I am healthy. I am happy. I have wonderful aspects to my life now. I am going to spend 2009 and forward focusing on the positive. Life is a magnifying glass. Whatever you focus on gets bigger. I want to focus on all the good things and people God has put into my life. I look at the money he stole as payment. I paid a great sum to the devil to get out of that marriage. It is gone. SDK is gone. I have no desire to invite him back under any circumstance. Therefore, no more court. No more lawyers. He will have to deal directly with God for what he did to me as I am done with him all together. He is getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as each moment passes and I am driving toward a beautiful sunrise.

I do not consider that marriage with the "walking nightmare" a failure, on the contrary. Thomas Edison was interviewed after inventing the electric light. The question he was asked was how he felt failing so many times before finally succeeding in his invention. He said he did not fail. He just had 25 lessions in how not to invent the light bulb. God needed for me to learn how not to be in a marriage, how not to allow a person to treat me and how not to trust someone. The lessons I learned will prove invaluable to me down the road.

I am strong. I am a wonderful woman created by God. Most of all, I am happy and I am free.

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