Wednesday, January 14, 2009


There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. I love this quote by Anais Nin because change frequently feels like this to me. I have noticed throughout my life that I have stayed with the dysfunctional and unhappy rather than make a change even if intellectually I could say that the change would be better for me. I made change better when I had children living with me. It was easy to make a change for my children but somehow I have not held myself to the same standard. The known even though it has been unhealthy was comfortable while the unknown was frightening. It is why I stayed in such a horrible marriage, I feared being alone. I also held onto the concept that If something was not working that somehow I could work hard enough to make it better. I always blamed myself and never expected the other person to be culpable. Therefore, if a relationship was not working, it must be my fault and I must work harder to fix it. The problem with my marriage was that my ex-husband was a monster. A good friend who is a therapist said he is a psychopath. The only option when involved with a psychopath is to run very fast far far away. Not me, I tried to fix us and him. The definination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result. So, my dedication to fixing it combined with my fear of change, I was doomed. There is good news however.

Today is my 1 year annivarsary. I am so grateful for the change that has taken place in my life in the last year. It has been challenging, a year full of insight and hard work. First and foremost, I am divorced from the monster man. My life has to improve 10 fold by that fact alone. Then when you add that to all my hard work toward recovery. Wow, lots of good things materializing.

My goal for the coming year is to embrace change like a warm, loving friend. I realized now that I am never alone even when I am by myself. God is always with me. I have friends and family that are just a touch tone away. I now know the difference between embracing quiet solitude and reclusivity. It is all about motives. In fact, life is all about motives and life is all about change.

I am in a grateful place today. Grateful that God gave me a second chance at life. Grateful for my network of friends and family. Grateful for a program of living that teaches me how to be at peace and enjoy the simple things. A program that teaches how to embrace change because without change we never grow.

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